..trying to change the way i think..

..well, i see progress on the scale, but more than that i see progress on the inside, too.  as of this morning, i have lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks.  but the biggest change is going on inside.  i am finding i am having alot of internal battles & struggles through this.  some are extremely hard to fight.  like yesterday, we sat in the doctor's office for almost 6 hours.  i was exhausted, stressed & "starving" (yes, that is a stretch, i fully recognize i am not LITERALLY starving).  the easy thing to do would have been stop by somewhere to grab some food.  i hadn't eaten since 6AM, surely it would be worth it----or would it.  i fought the battle in my head the entire way home.  and my will power won that particular battle, i know it will lose every once in a while---but it won yesterday.  i came home & ate my already accounted for meal that i knew was healthy.  when it was time to get on the elliptical yesterday, i set a goal of 36 minutes.  i had increased the intensity up to level 2 (hey, you have to start somewhere, right?).  my 1st day at level 2, i struggled to get 22 minutes, but yesterday i was determined to get back to my top 35 at level 2.  it was like i was able to harness my frustration into that session.  i ended up doing 38 minutes at levels 2 & 3 (moving it up and down thru the workout).  i felt like i had won again.  granted, this morning, my body is not fully happy with my decision, but it'll survive.  *laughs*  i don't want to get too spooky holy for some of my friends or folks that may happen across this blog....but i truly feel this is a spiritual war FAR more than a physical one.  it is a war against my physical body to take back the control.  it is a war to place God back at the head of my life----all my life----including my eating & exercise habits.  there are battles most every day.  i try to stay focused on my daily battle, because my goal is to overcome today.....if that is too lofty (which it feels like it is some days), then i focus on overcoming that hour.  whatever it takes.

..i promised transparency, so i have sort of a confession to make.  i was one of those pretty negative people about jessica simpson during her pregnancy due to her gaining so much weight.  not vicious, but just sort of gasping like "whoa, she is huge."  i should not have been like that, i truly always thought she was the most beautiful out of that little set of girl singers popular at the time & she remained beautiful, even pregnant.  well, i saw her on the premiere of katie couric's talk show.  jessica simpson has now signed a contract with weight watchers & they showed a preview of her commercial.  it was a face shot only & jessica explained how she didn't feel comfortable with a full body shot.  she explained EXACTLY how i feel about the subject, that it is not about a number--the weight..it is about being truly healthy.  so, she wanted to deflect from the weight on her outside & focus on how she was feeling on the inside.  she said thankfully weight watcher was on board with her thought to approach it that way.  i can't think of any other weight loss commercial that has focused on that aspect.  i think, whether you need to lose 20 lbs or 220 lbs, our goal should be balance, healthy eating, moderation & how we feel.  goals are great, in fact, i believe what the Bible says "without vision, the people perish".  we have to have a goal---and even mini goals---but we have to be focused on the big picture, being healthy inside & out. 

..i again would encourage anyone walking this journey to think about picking up "made to crave".  it is a great Godly view on our eating habits.  i felt a direct connection to one of the parts of the book when she talks about getting up on the scale & even though it hadn't changed---she had.  that is how i felt this weigh in.  i am starting to feel stronger & better.  i know i can do this & i really don't want to give up.  so, i keep fighting my little battles..but those little battles will eventually win the war. 

..more to come..

..my journey may have cheerleaders, but it's still my own..

..sometimes i will reward myself if i know i didn't want to work out that day & i did it anyway---but ONLY after i work.  it may not be a good idea forever, but at least is helping for now.  today is a different situation, this is the second day that i've actually had to exercise so i can eat dinner tonight.  yes, that's right---because i have to earn back the calories (for those of you who do the myfitnesspal, you'll understand).  i try to not take in more than my allotted daily calories, whether i exercise or not.  myfitnesspal gifts you back the # of calories you exercised as calories you can then additionally take in.  i try to avoid using those bonus calories unless i am rewarding myself or there is a special occasion or something.  in other words, i try not to live in the overages.  but some days-----like today-----i get stuck having to work out just to get those overage calories.  why, you may be thinking.  three words: starbucks' pumpkin loaf.  i made the terrible mistake of NOT looking at the calories of the above mentioned starbucks pumpkin loaf, BEFORE consuming it.  so, when i saw that little sliver of goodness contained almost 400 calories, the pleasure it had given me quickly morphed into annoyance & regret.  so now i've spent the last several hours frustrated at myself about it, which only increased when i had to plan out every morsel of food i will be eating for the upcoming week.  what we eat is really healthy stuff.  it may be hard to believe it, i know---but, we are a house full of whole wheat, whole grains, vegetables, lean meats, low calorie fruits, etc.  even still, to fit it into the confined allowed calories has proven itself difficult. 

one important part of my journey has to do with my partner, my best friend & my biggest fan..my husband, chad..he has been on his own journey for about 2 1/2 yrs now. he has lost 150 lbs, runs 4-6 days/week, just ran his first 5K and he feels great. did i mention this was all while he & i both work full time, me working 2 jobs during a large portion of that time, he in graduate school & our having a 3 year old with special needs? he is amazing. he is still on his journey every day. he still fights old habits & his own eating addictions. but he is still a huge success in my eyes. so, if you can understand, there is a major part of me that feels very behind in this journey. he has already gone so far & i feel a bit left far back in the shadows. we realized long ago that we are both "people pleasers" when it comes to each other. we want so badly for the other to be happy, that we would constantly cave into the other's bad decisions. but this time was different for him. he told me at the beginning of his journey that with all due respect, he had to do this, whether i did it or not. he is so much stronger than he gives himself credit. we are madly in love & have a beautifully imperfect marriage. he loves me, i love him. in saying that, i must admit that in this area of our personal lives, i have felt quite lonesome for these last few years. now that i am on my own journey, we are trying to find where we fit as a couple in this particular area of our lives. we are a great couple in so many ways & are so happy together, we just don't really have experience coming together in this area. as indicated above, we have an extreme level of busy-ness & are pulled in all directions. i recognize that i need his support & boy do i appreciate it, but i also am learning that this is my  personal journey. i am trying to communicate to him ways that i need support & direction without his trying to steer my ship for me. i must make my own choices, good or bad, i have to take ownership for my choices---good and bad. he is such a great example of a Godly and wonderful husband, i know he would just battle it for me if he could, like any knight in shining armor would do....but he can't fight this particular battle for myself. that is scary & overwhelming & empowering all at the same time. so we are finding our nitches in this new lifestyle at our house & i am confident we will find just the right rhythm together. he loves me for so many reasons (many i don't even believe in myself) and i truly hope i make him even a smidgen as proud as he has made me. and one day, we can be running buddy spouses-----when i catch up to him-----and trust me, chad, i WILL catch up. ;-)

..more to come..

..well that took a while!..

well, only took me like three years to get back to this..oy vey!  alot has happened in three years---to catch up a bit (before i got too busy to do that blog either), check out http://www.bevynmaple.blogspot.com to see why i've been alittle distracted..hahaha!

no, but seriously..here i am again, still bound by the addiction that is choking the life out of me..not just like the live or die life, but the living kind of life..a few days ago, i started again on this journey..not a diet, but a journey..i know i will learn alot about myself--like how i have to admit i have absolutely put my addiction before my Lord & Savior, as well as before my family..my husband told me that it hurt him because sometimes it felt like the food was more important than he & our daughter..because i was willing to give my life to it & would then lose them..i tried to explain to him that it isn't that the food is more important or higher on the scale, but i've allowed my addiction to direct my choices, moves, decision, indecisions & general self..so i am trying-----again-------to break the cycle..i want to understand the why..i want to know how i got so dependent on food to satisfy my emotional needs, my spiritual needs even..it is more than a habit, it is more than a thought out process..it is something i feel completely bound by..and there may be some who read this who completely think i'm crazy..and that is okay..it just shows you don't have this strong of an addiction in this area..but please try to open your heart before you judge me..we all have the areas of life we are trying to work on, since non of us have "arrived" or "have it all together"..not if all of us really take a hard look at ourselves..we all have struggles..we all have strongholds in our life..this is mine..and i have to carry mine on the outside like a sign to the world "hey look at me, eating is my issue, can't you tell"..someone who has lust issues may not have to carry theirs like a sign...or someone who has a lying issue..or a gossip issue..or an alcohol issue..or a bitterness issue..or whatever the heck your issue may be..mine i carry for the world to see..and trust me, i notice my issue more than anyone else.

so this is me trying..i am still in the ticked off mode..i don't like it, i don't want to do it & i feel much like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum..i hope this phase will move on..my first goals are to do SOMETHING..so, i have been on the elliptical yesterday & today and i have plugged all my food into myfitnesspal app (lovingly labeled "the calorie b!+(# (beep)" or "the calorie nazi"..i know how i want to feel..i know what my end goal is, and i am trying to keep focused on the every day goals, one step at a time..so here we go..on this fun ride..i want to write, not really for everyone else, but for me..i need some way to stay accountable..some way to release what i am thinking & feeling..so bear with me here..sometimes i will rant & rave & they are just emotions, no need to call in professional help or anything--but i have to have a way of releasing the pent up emotions inside me, since i can no longer eat them to silence.

so first.....transparancy.....i still belive on some level i eat to keep people away from me..if you aren't close to me, you can't hurt me..this will seem totally like me to some & totally not like me to others..depends on when our relationship began..my old school friends will remember the cynical, harsh, abrasive lori (thank God for Grace & Mercy that you create in me a new person daily!!!)..some of you met me after God began to transform me..you would know a more kind & gentle lori (i hope)..one who tries to understand & has empathy for others..one that believes that the world may not be all bad..and the one who loves people, no matter the cost.......but, then there is this part of me that wonders, am i eating because i don't really want people too close, then i'd have to be vulnerable..and i don't like being vulnerable..i like being strong..weird, right.  create a weakness, by trying to be strong..anyways, i think some of my issue may be creating a literal barrier or insolation from the world..i guess it's my very own built wall.

that is all for today, i will let my brain & my heart sort of think on that.

 
...more to come...