..sometimes i will reward myself if i know i didn't want to work out that day & i did it anyway---but ONLY after i work. it may not be a good idea forever, but at least is helping for now. today is a different situation, this is the second day that i've actually had to exercise so i can eat dinner tonight. yes, that's right---because i have to earn back the calories (for those of you who do the myfitnesspal, you'll understand). i try to not take in more than my allotted daily calories, whether i exercise or not. myfitnesspal gifts you back the # of calories you exercised as calories you can then additionally take in. i try to avoid using those bonus calories unless i am rewarding myself or there is a special occasion or something. in other words, i try not to live in the overages. but some days-----like today-----i get stuck having to work out just to get those overage calories. why, you may be thinking. three words: starbucks' pumpkin loaf. i made the terrible mistake of NOT looking at the calories of the above mentioned starbucks pumpkin loaf, BEFORE consuming it. so, when i saw that little sliver of goodness contained almost 400 calories, the pleasure it had given me quickly morphed into annoyance & regret. so now i've spent the last several hours frustrated at myself about it, which only increased when i had to plan out every morsel of food i will be eating for the upcoming week. what we eat is really healthy stuff. it may be hard to believe it, i know---but, we are a house full of whole wheat, whole grains, vegetables, lean meats, low calorie fruits, etc. even still, to fit it into the confined allowed calories has proven itself difficult.
one important part of my journey has to do with my partner, my best friend & my biggest fan..my husband, chad..he has been on his own journey for about 2 1/2 yrs now. he has lost 150 lbs, runs 4-6 days/week, just ran his first 5K and he feels great. did i mention this was all while he & i both work full time, me working 2 jobs during a large portion of that time, he in graduate school & our having a 3 year old with special needs? he is amazing. he is still on his journey every day. he still fights old habits & his own eating addictions. but he is still a huge success in my eyes. so, if you can understand, there is a major part of me that feels very behind in this journey. he has already gone so far & i feel a bit left far back in the shadows. we realized long ago that we are both "people pleasers" when it comes to each other. we want so badly for the other to be happy, that we would constantly cave into the other's bad decisions. but this time was different for him. he told me at the beginning of his journey that with all due respect, he had to do this, whether i did it or not. he is so much stronger than he gives himself credit. we are madly in love & have a beautifully imperfect marriage. he loves me, i love him. in saying that, i must admit that in this area of our personal lives, i have felt quite lonesome for these last few years. now that i am on my own journey, we are trying to find where we fit as a couple in this particular area of our lives. we are a great couple in so many ways & are so happy together, we just don't really have experience coming together in this area. as indicated above, we have an extreme level of busy-ness & are pulled in all directions. i recognize that i need his support & boy do i appreciate it, but i also am learning that this is my personal journey. i am trying to communicate to him ways that i need support & direction without his trying to steer my ship for me. i must make my own choices, good or bad, i have to take ownership for my choices---good and bad. he is such a great example of a Godly and wonderful husband, i know he would just battle it for me if he could, like any knight in shining armor would do....but he can't fight this particular battle for myself. that is scary & overwhelming & empowering all at the same time. so we are finding our nitches in this new lifestyle at our house & i am confident we will find just the right rhythm together. he loves me for so many reasons (many i don't even believe in myself) and i truly hope i make him even a smidgen as proud as he has made me. and one day, we can be running buddy spouses-----when i catch up to him-----and trust me, chad, i WILL catch up. ;-)
..more to come..
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