..well that took a while!..

well, only took me like three years to get back to this..oy vey!  alot has happened in three years---to catch up a bit (before i got too busy to do that blog either), check out http://www.bevynmaple.blogspot.com to see why i've been alittle distracted..hahaha!

no, but seriously..here i am again, still bound by the addiction that is choking the life out of me..not just like the live or die life, but the living kind of life..a few days ago, i started again on this journey..not a diet, but a journey..i know i will learn alot about myself--like how i have to admit i have absolutely put my addiction before my Lord & Savior, as well as before my family..my husband told me that it hurt him because sometimes it felt like the food was more important than he & our daughter..because i was willing to give my life to it & would then lose them..i tried to explain to him that it isn't that the food is more important or higher on the scale, but i've allowed my addiction to direct my choices, moves, decision, indecisions & general self..so i am trying-----again-------to break the cycle..i want to understand the why..i want to know how i got so dependent on food to satisfy my emotional needs, my spiritual needs even..it is more than a habit, it is more than a thought out process..it is something i feel completely bound by..and there may be some who read this who completely think i'm crazy..and that is okay..it just shows you don't have this strong of an addiction in this area..but please try to open your heart before you judge me..we all have the areas of life we are trying to work on, since non of us have "arrived" or "have it all together"..not if all of us really take a hard look at ourselves..we all have struggles..we all have strongholds in our life..this is mine..and i have to carry mine on the outside like a sign to the world "hey look at me, eating is my issue, can't you tell"..someone who has lust issues may not have to carry theirs like a sign...or someone who has a lying issue..or a gossip issue..or an alcohol issue..or a bitterness issue..or whatever the heck your issue may be..mine i carry for the world to see..and trust me, i notice my issue more than anyone else.

so this is me trying..i am still in the ticked off mode..i don't like it, i don't want to do it & i feel much like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum..i hope this phase will move on..my first goals are to do SOMETHING..so, i have been on the elliptical yesterday & today and i have plugged all my food into myfitnesspal app (lovingly labeled "the calorie b!+(# (beep)" or "the calorie nazi"..i know how i want to feel..i know what my end goal is, and i am trying to keep focused on the every day goals, one step at a time..so here we go..on this fun ride..i want to write, not really for everyone else, but for me..i need some way to stay accountable..some way to release what i am thinking & feeling..so bear with me here..sometimes i will rant & rave & they are just emotions, no need to call in professional help or anything--but i have to have a way of releasing the pent up emotions inside me, since i can no longer eat them to silence.

so first.....transparancy.....i still belive on some level i eat to keep people away from me..if you aren't close to me, you can't hurt me..this will seem totally like me to some & totally not like me to others..depends on when our relationship began..my old school friends will remember the cynical, harsh, abrasive lori (thank God for Grace & Mercy that you create in me a new person daily!!!)..some of you met me after God began to transform me..you would know a more kind & gentle lori (i hope)..one who tries to understand & has empathy for others..one that believes that the world may not be all bad..and the one who loves people, no matter the cost.......but, then there is this part of me that wonders, am i eating because i don't really want people too close, then i'd have to be vulnerable..and i don't like being vulnerable..i like being strong..weird, right.  create a weakness, by trying to be strong..anyways, i think some of my issue may be creating a literal barrier or insolation from the world..i guess it's my very own built wall.

that is all for today, i will let my brain & my heart sort of think on that.

 
...more to come...