...feel the burn...

i had to stop by walgreens.. and the jerks had cadbury creme eggs.. now, as the Lord as my witness, i am a sucker for cadbury creme eggs.. i love easter candy (i know, isn't it january).. and someone at the ole cadbury office said "hey, we can make these things into 'Christmas ornaments'".. so now they sell them at Christmas, which is hard enough.. but what, is this like "hey, let's put a red wrapper on them & say they are for valentine's day".. PEOPLE! so i must admit, out of sheer habit, i almost grabbed 2 on my way out (i have an issue with buying things in even numbers.. whereas, chad even counts in odds.. like rather than 2, 4, 6, 8, etc.. chad counts 3, 6, 9, 12.. interesting random side note, i realize.. i got off point, though).. HOWEVER, i was able to stop and ask myself, "self, what are you doing?".. and i swear i thought i told myself "well, no one will know".. tisk tisk tisk, "self".. i will know and God will know.. and more than that, this is not about sacrifice.. 1 Samuel 15:22 says that obedience is better than sacrifice.. my focus is to be obedient to God, it is not about making me feel horrible about what i am "sacrificing".. so, i snapped out of it.. don't get me wrong, it would taste good, but for what, a minute, two maybe? then the "sensation" would be over.. all for that? thank you Lord for lovingly reminding me WHY i am doing this..

chad & i started working out last night.. loved it.. i forget how much i do like working out.. i utilized the gym's "cardio theater".. it is nice because it is dark, so i felt really inconspicuous, ya know.. and when you start to watch this huge movie on a movie screen, i think you sort of zone out & get into the movie, ya know.. i only did 20 minutes on the elliptical, and then a cool down.. but, generally the first day back at the gym is like that for me.. it's like.. i don't have sore muscles yet, or anything.. but it made me feel great.. we only did cardio last night, because we are somewhat trying to get back into the routine of it.. eventually, chad & i will probably be on opposite work out schedules.. his work schedule is about to change from 6-3 to 5-2.. so, my goal is to get up with him @ 4.. and go in to the gym.. then come home & get ready for work as usual.. then he will go to the gym when he gets off & by the time i get home from work, he'll be heading that way, too.. so, it should work out.. i mean, i love knowing he is there in the gym, but we just are in 2 different worlds.. i am an elliptical & nautilus weight girl.. he is a treadmill & free weight guy.. so, it's not like we do the workout together, really.. plus, we each really appreciate working out at different times.. i love doing it first thing in the morning, get the day started out with a bang, get the metabolism running & have it over and done with.. but, i am more of a morning person than he.. he prefers working off the day's frustrations & stresses after work.. so, we both have valid points and have differing preferences.. so, hopefully this will work out.. 4am is early.. it would be waking me up a little over an hour earlier than i initially wake up now.. it will take discipline.. but, another perk is that i bet the gym isn't completely packed at 4:30 in the morning.. i bet the early crowd starts at 5-6.. so, we will see..

i physically feel fantastic today.. i slept hard and woke up easy.. nice start to the day.. i am just a touch sore, which i love.. for some reason, it just feeeels different this time.. maybe because i really feel it IS different this time.. my mind is in a different place, and especially my heart & soul feel a different motivation this time.. i am just excited about what God is going to do in mine & chad's life..

..more to come..

...horomones are a **beeeep**...

well.. first and foremost, i want to take a second to say a very very very special thank you to the sweet people that take time out just to read my blog.. i know i am just getting started & i am feeling my way through this whole thing.. i truly appreciate your kind words, thoughts & especially your prayers.. God is so good to provide such great people in my life (even from my past) that care about me and support me.. so, thank each of you.. you have really made these blogs feel more worth while..

and also, a peice of good news.. as of this morning, i have lost 6 pounds since the last Monday.. amazing what happens when you cut out the junk.. i have had people tell me "oh it is probably easier for you, since you have had gastric bypass".. yah, no.. i think it is harder now.. because, i TRULY know it is a mind game.. more than that it is a spiritual stronghold that i have allowed (up to now) to be controled by my flesh.. i feel like i am in constant prayer in my life right now.. to avoid temptation.. to stay on track.. etc..

for some of you, you already know this.. but, my weight has caused some farely serious effects on my female health and so my horomones are very discombobulated.. they are all over the place, honestly.. i can't keep up with what is going on.. anyways, i swear my horomones have been in a revolt, DEMANDING they MUST have chocolate or they will tear my body to shreds.. it is like, MORE than just a desire, it is like my body is trying to convince me i NEED chocolate.. it has been a really big struggle.. God has been bringing to mind how my pastor describes his loyalty and covenant to his wife.. he makes an excellent point when he says how horrible it would be if he had to walk around all day long saying to himself "don't cheat on your wife.. don't cheat on your wife.. don't cheat on your wife..".. instead, he says he simply falls more in love with her every day.. so God has been laying that thought pattern on my heart more and more over the last few days.. it is not about what i DON'T get to enjoy.. rather, it is about what i DO get to enjoy.. and i feel the more i fall in love with Him, the more that health, wellness and wholeness will be inevitable.. it is a biproduct of my true desire.. to be ever growing closer to my precious and amazing Abba God.. so i am really trying to shift my focus a bit.. it does not feel natural, yet.. i guess because He is supernatural.. so it is taking me a bit of time.. but God is really leading me into a new layer and a new depth to our relationship.. and i am just plumb excited about it..

chad & i start working out again tonight.. we are quitting what we not-so-lovingly call "sportsdump" and have joined gold's gym.. it is a nice facility & is more convenient for us to get in & get out.. i am really excited and really looking forward to it.. i do love how i feel after i work out.. don't particularly love doing it.. but i love the results.. yaaah

..more to come..

...i sneaked a peak at the scale...

i know i know i know.. my husband tells me, ONLY WEIGH ONCE A WEEK.. i think i am too neurotic for that.. so.. i weighed myself this morning.. per my initial weigh in, i have lost 3 pounds.. but, i am not putting much belief in that.. we will see COME THE END OF THE WEEK.. i know i know.. i guess i need like affirmation or confirmation or some sort of "ation".. i must admit, i have been somewhat whiny at times.. chad & i are doing 2 different programs, that sort of are able to combined, to a point.. this whole "dieing to myself" is not really easy, nor is it fun i might add.. eventually we will be eating more of the same things.. right now, we share side items at dinner and that is about it.. BUT, the greatest part of it is that we have had 2 candlelight dinners IN A ROW.. no tv, no music.. just us.. it is so delightful to get to talk to my husband.. i never take that for granted.. and he is so encouraging of me.. i am so proud of him too.. anyways.. so the week is going on.. i am still craving chocolate, but i feel my hormones have a big deal to do with that.. so hopefully that will subside.. i must say.. i really feel better.. it is amazing what healthy food in a body can do.. like, God created it that way or something.. isn't that a thought!!!!

...more to come...

...detox stinks...

..well, unbeknownst to me, apparently every vicious and miserable ache and pain rallied together during the night.. they were planning a war against me.. while i sleep peacefully, they joined forces and descended on my head.. totally not cool.. i awoke with a maddening and almost deafening headache.. i had tried to wage a "preemptive strike" on the expected headache yesterday by taking several dosages of my magic combo of ibuprofen & naproxin sodium.. well, i have took these pain relievers again this morning, i think i actually heard the pain laugh at it.. oh gracious! it is rather concerning that my body is in a revolution against me.. just for some caffeine and sugar.. really makes me AGAIN realize the intense addiction that even my physical body has for them.. nuts.. as the morning went on, the "mere" pounding headache (that did not seeming unscathed by medicine), turned to an overall feeling of being mowed down by an 18-wheeler.. but this is just the physical..

..as for emotionally, i am having somewhat of a weird day.. i am struggling with having to come to grips with the fact that some of the deep issues within me are actually some of my biggest pet peeves about others.. first is a sense of entitlement.. how am i entitled to eat whatever i want, whenever i want, and not have to exercise or anything.. how am i entitled to that? well, the truth is i am not.. when i was talking to chad on the way home from work last night, i told him about how i really felt like God was teaching me that i need to die to my "rights".. somehow, i need to retrain my brain to come under discipline.. that is for health, money, cleaning, working, everything really.. i don't just GET to do something simply because i wan to do it.. that is so selfish of me.. and quite immature, might i add.. i heard once that maturity is being able to put off enjoyment/satisfaction.. and i want to be mature.. especially immature in my spiritual walk.. which i really believe it all focuses back to that.. in life, i have a tendency to be a person who will just do it myself, because i want it done my way.. again, selfish and immature.. i am really allowing food to be a god in my life.. i am letting the fleeting fleshly desires dictate my life.. and i am sick of it, to be honest.. since when am i so weak? anyone who TRULY knows me knows that although i have become somewhat passive aggressive (by the Grace of God), but those same people probably also know that i can be a bit fiesty and headstrong.. so it is this weird paradox, of sorts, going on inside me.. i can be so strong in other things.. so hardheaded.. but this, i am like this robot, following my flesh's desires without concern..

another part of this "disease" as i have decided to label it, is that it also encompasses another one of my biggest pet peeves.. instant gratification.. uggh.. i want what i want, right now.. no worries of what the ripples of this descision will be.. because for this second, i will be happy.. that is complete crap.. and again.. selfish.. last time i checked, the world does not revolve around my me, so i am not sure why i feel that everything must be given to me instantaniously and without question.. i have so much to learn.. so for today.. i am going to try and continue to lay down my rights.. my life is a gift from God.. my health is a gift from God.. every day is a gift from God.. i suppose i have more power over those things than i wish i had sometimes.. but the only way i will mature is to have responsibility over these things & do the right thing with them.. i know God is there to help me.. but i am going to have to do the "dirty work"..

Lord, please give me strength and guidance.. i am sorry for my bad attitude and my selfishness.. i am here to bring others to you and to share about You.. i am here to be a light for You.. and i am sorry i have not lived up to that.. thank you for Your patience with me.. You are truely Grace and Mercy.. You have even given me all the tools i need for this journey.. thank You for giving me so many blessings.. i promise to treasure them and to take care of them.. amen

...my pursuit of one victorious day...

well, here we are.. day one is coming to a close.. i have decided that for now, am going to focus on the positives of the day and the experience.. there was some negative & trust me, i am sure i will need to vent that from time to time.. but today, i am going to speak the Life that i have found in today..

this morning, woke up & laid in bed for a moment being actually excited about the start of this new experience.. i got out of bed and went into our office/craft room/quiet room (it really depends on the need of the moment).. i decided to devote my morning prayer time to a book that was given to me by a dear friend,, it is "praying God's Word" by beth moore.. it is a great way to actually pray the Word of God.. so, i focused on 2 chapters that are devoted to overcoming addictions and overcoming food related strongholds..

1 thessalonians 5:23-24 "may God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. may your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. the One Who calls you is faithful and He will do it."..

i would like to include some exurbs from the chapter preceding the prayers.. "through the might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of His Word, we are empowered to say no to the things we should -- to our excesses, withholding, compulsions and harmful consumptions -- and say yes to freedom, moderation and better heath."

joshua 24:15 says "...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve..."

to again quote the book, "obedience to God is not some diet we suddenly blow. it is something to which we recommit every single day, no matter how we blew it the day before. victorious living is not an instant arrival. it is a pursuit of one victorious day at a time until the sun sets on enough to begin forming victorious habits." ... "stop feeling guilty because you don't have any self-discipline on our own...none of us can master ourselves. some yokes may be more obvious than others, but all of us had them. God is the only One Who can sanctify and make every part of us whole...'and He will do it.'...all He wants is our trust, our belief and a little time."

i love these quoted items.. it really gave me hope and got me fired up.. portions of this really touched a deep part to me.. let me explain.. whenever i see the word "victorious", i always get this little tug in my heart.. my name, lori (or loren, which is my birth name), means "victorious".. my parents taught me the meaning of my name from a young age.. i think that is why when chad & i have ever discussed baby names for down the road, i always research the meaning behind the name.. i believe that meanings of names are valuable and important.. if you look in the Bible, often God would change a person's name and it was usually a big deal.. abram/abraham, sarai/sarah, jacob/isreal, simon/peter, paul/saul.. so apparently, there was a true value on the meaning behind a name.. like, i wouldn't want for my name to mean "dishtowel" or "garbage heap".. i love that it means victorious.. all that to say this, whenever i see that particular word, "victorious", i somehow become more attached to the sentence, to the meaning, to what it is saying.. it feels more personal and intimate, because it feels like my name is being used almost.. it really encouraged me and reminded me that all i have to think about is today.. at least for today.. matthew 6:34 says "so do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. each day has enough trouble of its own.".. so today, i wasn't necessarily thinking of all of the "long term" goals i have.. i feel that both short term & long term goals are important.. i do not want to lose site of the direction i am heading.. however, right now, i need to learn how to get through today.. and as time progresses, certain things will become easier.. because new habits will form where the others have been severed.. so, i made it through a day.. and that is a small victory.. just like my name says.. and God gave that name to my parents for a reason, because even before i was born, God knew He was creating me to BE victorious..

...more to come...

...where the journey begins...

i have thought of blogging for a long time now.. more for myself than anyone else.. my husband, chad, had even mentioned it again just the other day.. i thought this would be a perfect time for me to start charting my feelings.. tomorrow i embark on a new journey.. and i suppose that this blog is far more for me than it is for anyone else.. however, i feel it might be a good way to express and track my feelings, as well as, be held somewhat accountable to the world..

let me back up several years.. about 5 years ago, i was 23 years old.. due to ongoing issues, i had my gallbladder removed.. the surgery did not go exactly as planned.. what should have been about 1/2 hour simple laproscopic surgery took about an hour.. my insides were badly injured from years of damage from an inflamed gallbladder.. it had even attached, at times, to the underside of my insides and my liver.. it would rip away as the inflamation would subside.. it had been the source of much of my ongoing pain.. my doc said it was one of the worst gallbladders he had ever seen.. he said he was close to having to open my entire abdomen to remove it.. at my follow up visit, he entered the room very seriously.. he said "lori, we have a problem, your liver is in very bad shape and something needs to be done.. it was filled with fatty tissue and it is ultimately going to cause your liver to shut down, at this pace." i, in my sarcastic way, laughed and asked "hm, what does one do when a liver 'shuts down'".. he sternly looked at me and said "you die, lori, you die young.".. sobering as that was, i listened as he advised me the best bet for me would be gastic bypass surgery.. he is one of the best in the southeast in this field, so i sat on a long waiting list.. it was over a year when i had the gastric bypass.. it was october of 2004, i was 24 years old.. i weighed roughly 320lbs at the time of surgery.. within 6-9 months i had lost 120 lbs.. i was thrilled.. also, it was about that 200 lb range when i met my very dear husband.. i never saw a lb under 200.. it was like my body hit some sort of floor and bounced right back up.. i am not sure if it was "love" or just the fact that i had met someone who really loved me for me.. well, here we are, over 4 years later.. and i regret to say that my bad eating habits and emotional eating has seemed to win back almost every lb originally lost.. i realize now what the doc meant when he told me (before surgery), "this is a surgery on your stomach, not your brain".. i was never really committed to the post-surgery plan.. i am not sure where my rebellion lies, but i want to find out........

today began my church's annual 21 days of prayer (and fasting).. chad & i have committed to making things different.. in this 21 days, i need to really press in to see what it is that is causing me to eat.. not just eat, but overeat.. what is it? why is it? heck, there are things that immediately seem to come to the surface, but i need God to really unlock the deep dark festering parts of me.. the ones i wanted to bury.. i want to overcome this true addiction.. i have tried on my own will and my own devices.. and it failed.. but, i refuse to say i have failed.. i have fallen, not failed.. nothing is final until i breathe my last breath.. i believe that with God's help, i will overcome this addiction.. so here it is.. this will be me, uncut, unsensored, unabridged.. me, raw.. so please know my desire is to be honest and do my best at transparency..

i would like to first document my overall goals.. the "big goal" is to be 175lbs and to comfortably fit into a size 16 by my 30th birthday (february 27, 2010).. so, we have a good peice to go.. i hope you will most of all pray for me during this journey.. it feels lonely, even though i know i have support from those that i love the most.. the road may be long, but it is not a dead end..

more to come.......