...where the journey begins...

i have thought of blogging for a long time now.. more for myself than anyone else.. my husband, chad, had even mentioned it again just the other day.. i thought this would be a perfect time for me to start charting my feelings.. tomorrow i embark on a new journey.. and i suppose that this blog is far more for me than it is for anyone else.. however, i feel it might be a good way to express and track my feelings, as well as, be held somewhat accountable to the world..

let me back up several years.. about 5 years ago, i was 23 years old.. due to ongoing issues, i had my gallbladder removed.. the surgery did not go exactly as planned.. what should have been about 1/2 hour simple laproscopic surgery took about an hour.. my insides were badly injured from years of damage from an inflamed gallbladder.. it had even attached, at times, to the underside of my insides and my liver.. it would rip away as the inflamation would subside.. it had been the source of much of my ongoing pain.. my doc said it was one of the worst gallbladders he had ever seen.. he said he was close to having to open my entire abdomen to remove it.. at my follow up visit, he entered the room very seriously.. he said "lori, we have a problem, your liver is in very bad shape and something needs to be done.. it was filled with fatty tissue and it is ultimately going to cause your liver to shut down, at this pace." i, in my sarcastic way, laughed and asked "hm, what does one do when a liver 'shuts down'".. he sternly looked at me and said "you die, lori, you die young.".. sobering as that was, i listened as he advised me the best bet for me would be gastic bypass surgery.. he is one of the best in the southeast in this field, so i sat on a long waiting list.. it was over a year when i had the gastric bypass.. it was october of 2004, i was 24 years old.. i weighed roughly 320lbs at the time of surgery.. within 6-9 months i had lost 120 lbs.. i was thrilled.. also, it was about that 200 lb range when i met my very dear husband.. i never saw a lb under 200.. it was like my body hit some sort of floor and bounced right back up.. i am not sure if it was "love" or just the fact that i had met someone who really loved me for me.. well, here we are, over 4 years later.. and i regret to say that my bad eating habits and emotional eating has seemed to win back almost every lb originally lost.. i realize now what the doc meant when he told me (before surgery), "this is a surgery on your stomach, not your brain".. i was never really committed to the post-surgery plan.. i am not sure where my rebellion lies, but i want to find out........

today began my church's annual 21 days of prayer (and fasting).. chad & i have committed to making things different.. in this 21 days, i need to really press in to see what it is that is causing me to eat.. not just eat, but overeat.. what is it? why is it? heck, there are things that immediately seem to come to the surface, but i need God to really unlock the deep dark festering parts of me.. the ones i wanted to bury.. i want to overcome this true addiction.. i have tried on my own will and my own devices.. and it failed.. but, i refuse to say i have failed.. i have fallen, not failed.. nothing is final until i breathe my last breath.. i believe that with God's help, i will overcome this addiction.. so here it is.. this will be me, uncut, unsensored, unabridged.. me, raw.. so please know my desire is to be honest and do my best at transparency..

i would like to first document my overall goals.. the "big goal" is to be 175lbs and to comfortably fit into a size 16 by my 30th birthday (february 27, 2010).. so, we have a good peice to go.. i hope you will most of all pray for me during this journey.. it feels lonely, even though i know i have support from those that i love the most.. the road may be long, but it is not a dead end..

more to come.......