...detox stinks...

..well, unbeknownst to me, apparently every vicious and miserable ache and pain rallied together during the night.. they were planning a war against me.. while i sleep peacefully, they joined forces and descended on my head.. totally not cool.. i awoke with a maddening and almost deafening headache.. i had tried to wage a "preemptive strike" on the expected headache yesterday by taking several dosages of my magic combo of ibuprofen & naproxin sodium.. well, i have took these pain relievers again this morning, i think i actually heard the pain laugh at it.. oh gracious! it is rather concerning that my body is in a revolution against me.. just for some caffeine and sugar.. really makes me AGAIN realize the intense addiction that even my physical body has for them.. nuts.. as the morning went on, the "mere" pounding headache (that did not seeming unscathed by medicine), turned to an overall feeling of being mowed down by an 18-wheeler.. but this is just the physical..

..as for emotionally, i am having somewhat of a weird day.. i am struggling with having to come to grips with the fact that some of the deep issues within me are actually some of my biggest pet peeves about others.. first is a sense of entitlement.. how am i entitled to eat whatever i want, whenever i want, and not have to exercise or anything.. how am i entitled to that? well, the truth is i am not.. when i was talking to chad on the way home from work last night, i told him about how i really felt like God was teaching me that i need to die to my "rights".. somehow, i need to retrain my brain to come under discipline.. that is for health, money, cleaning, working, everything really.. i don't just GET to do something simply because i wan to do it.. that is so selfish of me.. and quite immature, might i add.. i heard once that maturity is being able to put off enjoyment/satisfaction.. and i want to be mature.. especially immature in my spiritual walk.. which i really believe it all focuses back to that.. in life, i have a tendency to be a person who will just do it myself, because i want it done my way.. again, selfish and immature.. i am really allowing food to be a god in my life.. i am letting the fleeting fleshly desires dictate my life.. and i am sick of it, to be honest.. since when am i so weak? anyone who TRULY knows me knows that although i have become somewhat passive aggressive (by the Grace of God), but those same people probably also know that i can be a bit fiesty and headstrong.. so it is this weird paradox, of sorts, going on inside me.. i can be so strong in other things.. so hardheaded.. but this, i am like this robot, following my flesh's desires without concern..

another part of this "disease" as i have decided to label it, is that it also encompasses another one of my biggest pet peeves.. instant gratification.. uggh.. i want what i want, right now.. no worries of what the ripples of this descision will be.. because for this second, i will be happy.. that is complete crap.. and again.. selfish.. last time i checked, the world does not revolve around my me, so i am not sure why i feel that everything must be given to me instantaniously and without question.. i have so much to learn.. so for today.. i am going to try and continue to lay down my rights.. my life is a gift from God.. my health is a gift from God.. every day is a gift from God.. i suppose i have more power over those things than i wish i had sometimes.. but the only way i will mature is to have responsibility over these things & do the right thing with them.. i know God is there to help me.. but i am going to have to do the "dirty work"..

Lord, please give me strength and guidance.. i am sorry for my bad attitude and my selfishness.. i am here to bring others to you and to share about You.. i am here to be a light for You.. and i am sorry i have not lived up to that.. thank you for Your patience with me.. You are truely Grace and Mercy.. You have even given me all the tools i need for this journey.. thank You for giving me so many blessings.. i promise to treasure them and to take care of them.. amen